Chasing sunsets, pt. 1

Published October 1, 2023
Rae
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chasing sunset

I’m really struggling to find the motivation to get out of bed each day. It’s like there’s this heavy weight pressing down on me, making even the simplest tasks feel like insurmountable obstacles. My mind is constantly filled with negative thoughts, and I can’t seem to shake off this overwhelming sense of sadness and hopelessness.

It’s as if I’m trapped in a never-ending cycle of despair, where every little setback or disappointment feels like a confirmation that I’m just not good enough. I can’t help but compare myself to others and feel like I’m falling short in every aspect of my life. The things that used to bring me joy now feel empty and meaningless, and I find myself withdrawing from social interactions because I just don’t have the energy to pretend that everything’s okay.

Sleep has become my escape, and yet even that is plagued by restless nights and endless nightmares. The constant exhaustion only adds to the sense of emptiness that’s consuming me from the inside out. I’ve lost interest in the hobbies I once loved, and it feels like I’m just going through the motions without any real purpose or direction.

I’ve tried reaching out to friends and family, but it’s hard to explain what I’m going through when I can’t even fully understand it myself. The loneliness I feel is suffocating, and I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m a burden to those around me. It’s like I’m stuck in this dark tunnel with no light at the end, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t see a way out.

I know that there are people who care about me and want to help, but it’s so difficult to open up and let them in. The fear of being judged or misunderstood is paralyzing, and it’s easier to just put on a facade and pretend that everything’s okay. But deep down, I know that I’m just masking the pain that’s tearing me apart from the inside.

I’ve heard that therapy and medication can help, but the idea of seeking help feels like an admission of weakness. It’s hard to believe that anything can really make a difference when I’m trapped in this never-ending cycle of despair. The days blend together, and I can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy or hopeful about the future.

I’m sorry if this is all a jumbled mess. It’s just so hard to articulate the storm that’s raging within me. I’m holding on, trying to find some semblance of light in the darkness, but it’s a constant battle. All I can do is take it one moment at a time and hope that someday, somehow, I’ll find my way out of this abyss…

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